Dear husband

Currently I am sitting here having anxiety once again.  The reason?  We had a huge fight last night and today you seemed cold before you left for work.  Our fight was about how I felt you were being not so open & honest or how you refuse to be communicative.  You have not spoken to me since you left when you usually do.  You let me know you got somewhere safely to ease my mind.  Something has been eating at me all day.  One sentence you spoke.  You said, "I can't believe one little mistake caused you to not be close again."  It wasn't the mistake of you not communicating we could have worked that out.  The mistake you need to realise is that you proceeded to throw a mantrum again and raise your voice and yell at me and flailing your phone around and slamming it in the next second in front of me.  Giving me angry non verbals when in reality it coculd have been solved in a much easier fashion with explanations and an apology.  Now we are both in pain and you have given me the cold shoulder again.  So I sit here wondering why I have stayed.  I have found a good home for our beloved cat and they will be here around 7 pm.  I love him dearly and hope they do care for him the way I did.  He does not need to see the abusiveness we keep inflicting upon one another and neither of us do either.  I will most likely go back to Montana in a few days and check into a psych center.  I will always love you.  

A weekly bleeding is part of a healthy lifestyle

I have updated my profile.  It looks better.  I still have to add a couple things though.

Today was pretty uneventful except for the fact that I planned a trip to Italy.  Italy is one of two dream countries we want to visit.  My husband and I are both obsessed with Assassins Creed so we planned a trip to Florence and Monteriggioni.  We will visit the other Ezio locations a year after visiting the first two locations.  The other place is France because I am in love with the past monarchy there.
We will be staying at Relais La Costa and I am super excited!  It is amazing how we don't need any type of visa.  We will be only spending 3 days in the country since the flights will take so long and we will need a resting period when we get back to the US.

I never thought our lives would have a huge turn around!  Thank you to my husband for making better choices <3.
  • Current Mood: indescribable indescribable
  • Current Music: none I am watching assassins creed gameplay on youtube

Humans.

Man I am so bad at journaling!  I apologize lol.  Now on to my post!

I did about 6 years of nothing but positive thinking and being nice to anyone and everyone and brushed any type of mistreatment off. Now days I just put in as much energy as anyone puts into me. Tonight on fb I reshared a picture someone else shared one of the first times being a little negative. I have never in the whole time of being in Houston stated anything negative about anyone until lately. I get a comment stating that I say things like that and thats why no one hangs out with me or wants to be friends. To me that is sick. What has humanity come to? For me ever since I got to Houston it has been nothing but an uphill battle to find a true/honest person to hang out with that actually wants to hang out with me. I was nice and kind and caring and bent over backwards for others but when something happens in my life no one has really been there for me fully. Take the time I was hit by a car for instance: I had planned to go eat dinner with a supposed friend and they blew me off because I missed a text but answered 20 minutes later (because of pain meds btw). By that time that person stated they were already drunk and with other people. I couldn't get out of bed to go get dinner on my own so I had to starve for about 16 hours. Sure I have had people do nice things for me but they ended up having ulterior motives except for one person <3.
Right now I have ultimate hatred for anyone else of the human race. I told that person who blew me off one day that my husband was getting hate at work for not getting enough sex or something. She then asked if I wanted her to go to his work dressed up with make-up on to make them jealous as if she were hot stuff people would get jealous over and that I wasn't. lol. I felt bad for the remark but brushed it off and forgave that person. Why am I bringing it up now if I had forgiven that person you ask? Because I have changed now and I take my forgivness back. I would never say anything that hurtful to anyone and still I get stuff said to me like that all the time. I get so many passive aggressive/round about comments that I am ugly with the presenter thinking that I am so dumb that I won't notice. I do notice though.
Last night I passed the child that my husband and I were so happy about having. I was officially 15 weeks and it was a girl. Think anyone would really care or come want to console me? Me neither so I haven't really told anyone. No one really cares about anyone else but themselves now days. We are both traumatized because it happened so quickly and we didn't know what to do. She had form. Arms and legs and also had a tail. She was small and cute even though she was bloody.

This post here is mostly for my memories because I know not many if any people even read this journal.

oops?!

There are a few people that I see constantly panhandling close to where I live.  Once in a while I will buy then the 5 for $4 at burger king and go give it to them.  Mostly it is this older guy that looks dirty and wears a green jumpsuit.  I have done it for him many times.  Yesterday I come out of walmart and see him getting into a really nice truck with a dog.  He was still wearing the dirty jumpsuit.  How creepy is that?  That just ruins my trust of humans even more...
  • Current Location: Houston Tx
  • Current Mood: irritated irritated
  • Current Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVpZMh1PaeA

Petsmart or Petdumb?

So my husband has worked at a local Petsmart store for a little over a year.  He one of the pets hotel supervisors.  On every shift he is the only one that really does anything for the dogs.  He fills their food and water dishes and cleans their cages making them more comfortable.  There are several other workers there that could be doing something for those poor things.  When my husband isn't there on his days off and he goes in to pick up his check or visit the dogs are usually sitting in their own excrement or urine.  It makes me sad to think about it.  I have my favorites there and to think of them just sitting there with no food or water and in their urine and excrement until my husband comes in the next day makes me sad.  I cried tonight knowing that tomorrow is my husbands day off.  That one of my favorites will be there suffering.  Why are people so lazy when doing their job.  One day he was doing his job and someone asked him why he worked so hard that he only has to do the bare minimum.  He wanted to punch that person.  If he quits who knows what will happen.  He will be leaving for army basic training so the workers better get their shit together.  I would never ever leave my own pet there.  I love my pets like children and to see this crap going on is horrendous.  Pets have died in others care at this pets hotel.  The cats never get played with or let out of their cages.  Their litter boxes rarely get cleaned unless my husband does it.  I am getting more and more angry continuing with this post.  
  • Current Location: Houston Tx
  • Current Mood: sad sad
  • Current Music: The Band Perry - If I die Young

Eyes roll into the back of your skull like whatttttt

So at one point on facebook I had posted this:

Went to Walmart earlier to purchase an e-cig for tomorrows outing. The cashier hands it to me and says, "You know you should pray to god for help to quit." I smile at her and say, "I am sorry ma'am but I am an atheist but thank you for your concern." She hands it to me in a whipping motion and rolls her eyes then has someone else ring me up. :| I don't know how else to handle things like this. I was honest and polite but still am found to be offensive. It really bugs me.

I had a lot of positive comments even from some Christians.  There was one that irked me.  I deleted and blocked the person but it still irritates me.  They told me that I should have kept quiet about being an Atheist and just took the prayer remark with a grain of salt.  If a religious person can divulge that they are religious and request me to pray why can't I politely decline their request for me to pray?  To me that is just wrong.

I smoke regular cigarettes most of the time unless I am around others who do not like it.  I go out of my way to make others comfortable around me why can't others do the same?  This world we live in is such a shady place.
  • Current Location: Houston Tx
  • Current Mood: annoyed annoyed
  • Current Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crDq_6CXBxs

We all fall down.

 So much.  So so very much.  Am I completely crazy or did I state in 2013 that I would fill people in on my past events? Damn... Depression.  That is what has happened to me.  It makes me into crazy unwanting to do anything lady.  I don't want to update, I don't want to create,  I don't want to live life.  It doesn't help that I have no real support system.  Those who do say they will be there eventually spend less and less time and energy.  So that leads to even more depression.  It's not that I have too high expectations of people maybe it's because my expectations are too low.
  I had a friend once who stated that I should start seeing a therapist.  It is hard for me to do that because for me it doesn't work.  Everytime I have gone to see a therapist they seem fake.  I hate fake.  It is my biggest pet peeve.
  So now that is over let's begin with the life in general update.  Phong & I have been married for almost 8 years now.  It is insane.  We have gone through so much together.  You name it we probably have been through it.  He has finally kept a job for a year.  He had two for a long while but recently just quit one.  We lived in Houston for a year then moved to Montana for two years.  We came back to Houston in 2012.  While we were in Montana we were homeless a lot.  He decided to join the military which fell through because he found out that he had hyperthyroid issues.  That has been taken care of.  It went from an 8 to a 0.
  He didn't speak to his family the whole time we were in Montana and when we came back to Houston he started speaking to them again but that eventually flew out the window with so much drama.  A lot came from Phong.
  My next few updates will be about situations that have occured.  Maybe someone can help me understand my crazy life.

Recent picture of myself?

Don't mind my sweat...I just got done working out.
  • Current Location: Houston Tx
  • Current Mood: annoyed annoyed
  • Current Music: Random sleep music on youtube

Wow

I can't believe this account still exists!  lol.  <3 Still with Phong.  We have been married since 2009.  :) I am in college in Texas.  So much has happened since I last updated.  I had a tumblr but it's boring and mostly filled with young kids.  I can't believe I am so old now haha.  Well I will make my next post a long one about what has happened in the past 5 years.